1
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,383
Oh, hey.

2
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,251
You ready?

3
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:20,954
I can't. I just can't.

4
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:24,024
Everyone feels like that
the first few times you eat here.

5
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,626
It's like heroin.
It makes you sick, and you think,

6
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,961
"I'll never do that again,"
and here we are.

7
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:32,066
No, we put our project
on Kickstarter,

8
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:35,069
and we're getting
major funding right now.

9
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:38,139
And I can't. I just can't.

10
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:41,509
Kickstarter... that's the website
where strangers give money for crap

11
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:43,544
that no one in the real world
would invest in, right?

12
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:47,915
Exactly, but our project isn't crap.
It's bananas.

13
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,584
We design candles with arms.

14
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,489
I can't. I just can't.

15
00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:59,393
Don't you have a passion project?
something you've always wanted to do?

16
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,030
Yeah, you can't just want
to be a waitress your whole life.

17
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:08,369
(CHUCKLES) Actually,
I do have a Kickstarter idea.

18
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:11,739
I'd like to start
kicking your asses!

19
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,377
You know we work
for tips, right?

20
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:18,879
Yeah.
This one got away from me.

21
00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,849
♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

22
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:23,451
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

23
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,593
Okay, listen up, it's Tuesday,

24
00:01:32,893 --> 00:01:36,164
and like Martin Luther King,
I have a dream.

25
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,632
Tonight you will do side work.

26
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:41,802
Hold up, girl. I have ten minutes
till my shift starts.

27
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:45,506
Max, that is not appropriate.
I'm your boss. Don't call me "girl."

28
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,907
Yes, ma'am.

29
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,911
Okay, you want to play?
I'll play.

30
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:53,881
Hey, sir.
Hey, big manny man.

31
00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:57,084
Why don't you show me your penis?

32
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:01,655
Han, you know
I don't have a penis.

33
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,891
It's the only thing
we have in common.

34
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:07,395
-Where's Caroline?
-In the back at our cupcake shop.

35
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,364
Why? You don't open your walk-up
window till you close here at night?

36
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:11,932
She's getting a jump
on our side work.

37
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:14,802
What? We can't do ours and yours.

38
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,270
Relax, Marjorie.

39
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:19,773
Keep it up, Max, and one day
I will show you my penis.

40
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,575
And you'll be sorry.

41
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:29,850
Yes. Yes, I will.

42
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:34,522
That's it! New rule!
No more making fun of the boss!

43
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,925
Han doesn't want us
calling him names anymore.

44
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:39,860
It's like, if you don't
want to be called names,

45
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:40,894
don't look like that.

46
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,763
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
♪ (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC) ♪

47
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,834
MAX: Why is the window open?
What is all that?

48
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:49,203
It's me, if I had lived.

49
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,174
Oh, my God.
Did you see that rack?

50
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:56,910
See it? I have to carry it
around all day.

51
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,979
-MAN: Okay, take five.
-I've been wearing the same clothes

52
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,180
every day for two years.

53
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,283
Now, I know that's
your dream scenario,

54
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,352
but to me, it's a horror show.

55
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:05,786
Go get new clothes.

56
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,154
Just go to the place
around the corner

57
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,389
and buy some cheap ones.

58
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,858
Max, they sell clothes
by the pound.

59
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:13,261
That's why it's called
The Fashion Pound,

60
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:15,263
and that is why it is awesome.

61
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:17,431
Look, I'm willing to cut
a lot of other things,

62
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:20,234
including my wrists,
but I need quality clothes.

63
00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,069
The only reason I've been able
to wear these pants every day

64
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:23,471
is because they're quality.

65
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:27,608
Well, that and a lot of
Febreze, which reminds me...

66
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:34,114
I used to smell like money.
Now, I smell like pennies.

67
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,718
And, Max, you need a hit.

68
00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,720
'Breze me.

69
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:43,457
Hi, girls.

70
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:45,993
(POLISH ACCENT) Did you see
the high-fashion model shoot?

71
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,663
I was too short to be
a model in Poland.

72
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,834
Well, I guess you can't
have it all, right?

73
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:58,238
Do I smell Febreze?
(SNIFFS)

74
00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,674
That's my second-favorite scent.

75
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:04,144
And there's my first-favorite scent.

76
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:08,916
-Hey, Sophie.
-I'm sorry. Have we met?

77
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:13,487
I'm not good with faces that
I never want to see again.

78
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,189
What happened? I thought
you guys were gonna be friends.

79
00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:18,058
Yeah, messed-up,
passive-aggressive friends

80
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:21,495
who occasionally sleep together,
like Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell.

81
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,198
Okay, I see what you're doing.

82
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:27,267
You're pretending like we don't have

83
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:30,504
movie-character names
for our private parts.

84
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,474
Well, good-bye, miss,

85
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,444
and give my regards
to Mrs. Doubtfire.

86
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:41,315
Okay, ET, go home!

87
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,185
Here's your mail, girls.

88
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,289
Max, Sophie had a new purse.

89
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:51,091
Everybody has something new.

90
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:53,527
Even the homeless lady on
the bus had a new barrette,

91
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,195
and even though
her feet were split open,

92
00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:57,398
I still felt jealous.

93
00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:58,866
Oh, this is not a bill.

94
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:00,634
Now, that's a first.

95
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,504
"We are offering you a new phone,

96
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,539
as older flip-model phones
such as yours

97
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:06,974
have been degraded."

98
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,410
(SCOFFS) They're slut-shaming
phones now?

99
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:13,146
I don't want a new anything.
And I like my old flip.

100
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,416
Where's my damn letter from
the pants company saying,

101
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:17,385
(URBAN ACCENT)
"Girl, those things are tired,

102
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,353
here's a new pair for free?"

103
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,355
If you want something
for free,

104
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:23,991
why don't you just go on
Kickstarter like everyone else?

105
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,394
You can't use it for clothes.

106
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,462
Can you?

107
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:33,100
And if you can, can I?

108
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:36,303
Why not? It's no stupider
than candle arms.

109
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,038
Now, if the candles had real arms

110
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,673
and could slap
the idiots who bought them,

111
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,375
I'd invest in that.

112
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,310
Max, we have nothing,

113
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:46,447
and if anybody is giving us
something for free, we're taking it.

114
00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:50,050
You are getting that free phone,
and I am begging for free clothes.

115
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,719
-Things are looking up.
-(FABRIC RIPPING)

116
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,493
You might want to Kickstart
some underwear.

117
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:08,068
Well, obviously,
they don't have anything. Let's go.

118
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,503
Max, stop.
My pants just ripped some more.

119
00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:11,539
I have to fix them again.

120
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:17,010
(STAPLER CLICKING)

121
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:18,879
A-quality.

122
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:22,115
Why don't you just take them to
Office Depot and get them tailored?

123
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:23,884
Let's shop.

124
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:25,218
Ow!

125
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,791
Uh-oh, they're ripping again.

126
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,861
I feel a breeze up in my Febreze.

127
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:37,898
How can I help you?

128
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:40,468
Hi... Chiandra.

129
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,503
Where can I get
a new flip phone?

130
00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:46,039
Mmm. Let me think.
(SMACKS) Guatemala.

131
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,878
I'll miss you, phone.
This is breaking my heart.

132
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:54,347
Come on, Boo.
It's a phone, not Bruno Mars.

133
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:57,618
Now, I need that letter.

134
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,720
Here it is. I have it.
It's in my purse.

135
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:03,023
What's her story?
Why is her hand on her ass?

136
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:05,425
Her staples popped.

137
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:07,661
Lap band?

138
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,097
Happened to my cousin.

139
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:12,933
She had a diet 7-Up and exploded.

140
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,402
Then she got MS.

141
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:18,338
According to Judge Joe Brown,
it was not related.

142
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:20,841
(CHIANDRA CHUCKLES)

143
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:22,910
Here, I'll just take this one.

144
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:26,346
Slow down, now.
Take a look around.

145
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,949
You got a whole world
of possibilities.

146
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:33,020
Pick 'em up, get a feel,
hold it in your hand for a while.

147
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:39,059
Chiandra, it's a phone,
not Bruno Mars.

148
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,529
Oh, "Texting is easy

149
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,597
with the new
finger friendly keyboard."

150
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,365
My fingers are already too friendly.

151
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,768
Ask my fourth-grade boyfriend.

152
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:51,505
Wow, these sample texts
are getting kind of racy.

153
00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:55,242
"Bad news... I think
the condom broke last night."

154
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,747
Why would anyone put that
on a display model?

155
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,382
That's mine.

156
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:18,465
I left it there by accident.

157
00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:21,969
But that's not your problem.

158
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:26,439
Now, tell me,
what are your phone needs?

159
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:29,442
My needs are simple.

160
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:31,478
I need a phone that can draw
a mustache on people

161
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:33,681
and occasionally will call
my mother and hang up.

162
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,516
And she needs one
with a good camera,

163
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:39,486
because I have to film
my video pitch for new pants.

164
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,824
I have a hole in my butt.

165
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,197
You know
you're supposed to, right?

166
00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:03,510
Max, I might be a virgin again.

167
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:09,950
I love my new phone!
It's so cool and red.

168
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,384
It feels like anything could happen!

169
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:12,552
But it probably won't.

170
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:13,453
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

171
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,555
My first call.

172
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:18,726
What do I do?
What do I do?

173
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:19,492
Oh!

174
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:20,728
Hello?

175
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:23,563
Oh, hey, girl,
good for you. Bye.

176
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,733
Chiandra's not pregnant.

177
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:29,770
Max, why are you taking calls
from Chiandra?

178
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,239
-We have to do my video.
-I had to take her call.

179
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,674
She gave me a bunch
of free apps...

180
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:35,408
Angry Birds, Doodle Jump.

181
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:36,677
If you want to look like a dog,
I could do that.

182
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:38,646
Look, here's me
as a St. Bernard.

183
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:41,214
See my neck keg?
(CHUCKLES)

184
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:42,916
Okay, I've done some research,

185
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,385
and here's some things
other people want money for.

186
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:47,888
One woman wants money
for a new leg.

187
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,690
Scrolling.

188
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,192
Wait. If she only has one leg,

189
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:55,095
shouldn't she be
on Can't-Kickstarter?

190
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:59,700
I'm no longer working with them.
They denied my project.

191
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,570
Apparently, I'm not artsy enough
and have too many legs.

192
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,873
So now I'm on Go Fund Yourself.

193
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:09,509
Perfect. I've been telling you
to go fund yourself for years.

194
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:13,113
The future of my pants
hinges on the video pitch.

195
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,048
The tone needs to be
sad and pathetic.

196
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:17,685
Preparation done.

197
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:21,321
What's sadder than former
billionaire Caroline Channing

198
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,156
asking for money for pants?

199
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,558
They're not gonna know it's me.

200
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:32,465
Are you being funded
by Al-Qaeda?

201
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,037
If they're buying, I'm taking.

202
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,873
And action.

203
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,710
Hi. I can't tell you my name,

204
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:45,913
and I can't show you my face
because I'm too ashamed.

205
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:48,481
Sadly, I find myself
in a situation

206
00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:50,751
where I am no longer able
to provide myself

207
00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:53,153
with the garments I need
in order to be the best

208
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:54,654
in my day-to-day life.

209
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:56,990
I'm aware that this is
not a problem for everybody.

210
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,459
Stop, stop! I need to take
a picture of myself

211
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:01,494
having the most fun I've ever had.

212
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:04,131
Your nose is coming
out of your eyehole.

213
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,335
No.

214
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:11,038
No, no, no, Max, don't stop.
I'm in a groove.

215
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,774
No, you're in a bag.

216
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,575
Please let me take
a picture of you in a bag

217
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,378
and then turn it into a dog
and then call it a doggie bag.

218
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,850
Go, Max, I'm running
out of oxygen,

219
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,552
and I think there
was cheese in here.

220
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:27,821
CAROLINE: And action.

221
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,689
If I achieve my goal...

222
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:34,194
specifically, a new pair
of quality pants...

223
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:39,399
...then I promise I will give
back to the community,

224
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,068
wearing said pants.

225
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,470
All I need is $1,500.

226
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:48,175
Stop! $1,500? How many pounds
of clothes are you getting?

227
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,010
Look, it's for one pair

228
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:54,147
of amazing Dries Van Noten silk
brocade pants... super cute.

229
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:55,482
And, yes, it's a lot,

230
00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:58,185
but my investors
will get something in return.

231
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:01,021
For five dollars, they will get

232
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,155
the feeling of goodwill
in their heart.

233
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,190
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

234
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:06,559
For ten dollars,
I'll send them a selfie

235
00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:08,261
in the new pants
that they bought.

236
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:11,631
For $20, I'll send them
a selfie without pants.

237
00:12:14,001 --> 00:12:16,804
Nobody is gonna give you money
for the stuff you offered.

238
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:20,707
"Goodwill in their hearts?"
This is the Internet. We're animals.

239
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,844
You're right.
(GASPS) I have an idea.

240
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,378
Camera up.

241
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,548
And action.

242
00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:31,151
I'm sure a lot of you
are probably thinking,

243
00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:34,454
"Look at this spoiled,
indulgent, clueless girl."

244
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,556
Well, I am.

245
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,259
And you're also
probably thinking,

246
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,361
"God, I want to slap her."

247
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,831
Well, guess what.
You can!

248
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,466
For $500, you can come here

249
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,502
and slap my spoiled,
clueless face.

250
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:52,572
And cut.

251
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,141
Pretty good, huh?

252
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,809
Genius.
Now, here, take the camera.

253
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:58,645
I want to film my video
to raise $500 to slap you.

254
00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:07,254
Earl, look!

255
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:09,857
I just got 20 more dollars
from one of my backers!

256
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,458
Now, let me get this straight.

257
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:15,195
You just ask people for money,
and they give it to you?

258
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:17,197
Without using a weapon?

259
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:22,235
Well, Earl, I guess desperation
cuts like a knife.

260
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:24,737
Man, being white is easy.

261
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:28,041
(GAME PLAYING ON PHONE)

262
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,045
Um, we're ready to order.

263
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,413
(FANFARE)

264
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,150
(GAME CONTINUES)

265
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,519
(FANFARE)

266
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:42,555
Caroline, I just unlocked
the candy hammer.

267
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:44,591
Can you go over there
and take those girls' orders?

268
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:47,660
(IMITATING HIPSTER GIRL)
I can't. I just can't.

269
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:50,063
(BELL DINGS)

270
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,933
Oh, no way!
I just hit 1,000!

271
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,602
That's almost both legs paid for!

272
00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:57,370
Uh, hello?

273
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,273
You're dinging and donging
right in front of my face.

274
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:03,110
Can't you at least
put your phones on vibrate?

275
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,378
I don't like to mix
business with pleasure.

276
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:09,382
You two need to be
off your phones and working.

277
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,518
Now. And no back talk.

278
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:12,852
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

279
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,688
Totally.

280
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:17,690
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

281
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,060
Totally.

282
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,198
-(BOTH PHONES CHIME)
-(GIRLS GIGGLE)

283
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,134
-Totally.
-Totally.

284
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,170
Oh, I know what's going on.

285
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,772
You're group-texting
insults about me!

286
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,774
We are not.

287
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:37,710
I got your text!

288
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:41,748
Han does look like those minion
things in Despicable Me--

289
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:47,720
And I thought bullying would end
when I hit four feet.

290
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:48,521
(BELL DINGS)

291
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:51,591
Oh, my God!
I'm getting my new pants!

292
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,393
I just got a 500 dollar pledge!

293
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:56,563
Somebody wants to slap me!
Somebody wants to slap me!

294
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,398
Just one person?

295
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:05,072
Han insists we can't leave
tonight without doing our side work,

296
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,941
so I made him into a chihuahua
wearing a diaper. (LAUGHS)

297
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:10,377
Check your phone.

298
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:11,744
Caroline?

299
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,480
CAROLINE:
Someone got some new pants!

300
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,648
♪ (DANCE MUSIC STARTS) ♪

301
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:24,257
(MUSIC STOPS)

302
00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:25,792
I wasn't finished!

303
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,860
No, I was.

304
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,696
Max, I didn't want to tell you this,

305
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:31,999
but I was secretly worried
my booty was gone.

306
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,700
Turns out, it was just the pants.

307
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,935
It's still there.
Take a picture of it.

308
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,071
Okay, let me see.

309
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,239
(GASPS)

310
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:42,275
Perfect! Now, let's send a group-text
to our diner family,

311
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,476
and I'd like you
to copy me on that,

312
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,213
because I want to send it to my dad
in prison. He'll be so proud.

313
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:49,682
Yeah, 'cause I'm sure
he's not seeing any asses there.

314
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,684
You know what I love
about these pants?

315
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:53,753
How they make my butt look--

316
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:56,223
Can you see it
through the window?

317
00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:59,292
I got new pants.

318
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:01,961
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

319
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,564
Hey, Earl,
you got my text, right?

320
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,433
You mean that picture
of Caroline in her pants

321
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:09,136
that said,
"I'm so sick of her?"

322
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:12,705
I know, right? If she ever gets
a new shirt, just kill me.

323
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,574
I hear you, Max,
but I just can't believe

324
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,743
you included her on the text.

325
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,545
(LAUGHS) Yeah.

326
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:20,147
What?

327
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,283
Oh, my God.
I didn't take her off the chain.

328
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,118
I mean, if you're
gonna trash a child,

329
00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:27,987
you got to take her off the chain.

330
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,489
Look, Earl, they're here!

331
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,558
Look what your ten dollars
is buying you!

332
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,126
Not looking.
Don't want to know.

333
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:35,728
I'm taking myself off the chain.

334
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:37,630
Hey, Caroline.

335
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,732
-Did you get my text?
-Not yet.

336
00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,034
The front of the diner
is a bad reception area.

337
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:41,868
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

338
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,970
No, no, no.
Don't reach for that.

339
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,739
It's probably just an Amber Alert.

340
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,476
Why are you acting weird?

341
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:52,312
Are you jealous
of my new pants?

342
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:57,084
No, but I may have texted something
about you that I didn't mean,

343
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,751
so just please
don't look at your phone.

344
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:03,490
Okay. If it's something bad,
I don't want to see it anyway.

345
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,893
She's gonna look at it,
isn't she, Earl?

346
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,095
I would.

347
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:10,797
She just did.

348
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,000
-You're so sick of me?
-(LAUGHS)

349
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:17,003
'Cause it's funny!

350
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,206
(CACKLES)
"I'm so sick of you!"

351
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:22,242
You know, said funny.

352
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,811
You know how I am.
Ask Earl. Earl, help.

353
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,979
I am off the chain.

354
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,016
-Oleg, help.
-I'll be in my car.

355
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,785
Oh, look, look!
Here's Han!

356
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,787
He knows how I'm always
just joking.

357
00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:37,090
Han, nod your head
and don't ask why.

358
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:38,825
Oh, no, last time you
asked me to do that,

359
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,328
I wound up on a date with an albino.

360
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:44,697
And who didn't call who back?

361
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:47,567
I don't know how
they're so confident.

362
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,505
Max, you said
you were sick of me.

363
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,641
Why are you so upset?

364
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,976
I say worse things
to you all the time.

365
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,045
Yesterday I said
you were sad and pathetic.

366
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:00,947
But that was to my face.

367
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,550
I can't believe you talk
about me behind my back.

368
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:06,319
It's bad. I am sorry.
What can I do?

369
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:09,222
Hit me. Punch me.
Tell my mother where I live.

370
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:11,258
Congratulations, Max.

371
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:14,927
Now you're like all my old
girlfriends, talking behind my back.

372
00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,900
Stop looking at that.
Delete it.

373
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,236
This is not what I think.
I'm not sick of you.

374
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:25,938
Really, 'cause when I see it
in writing, it feels like you are.

375
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:27,874
It's not me.
It's this phone.

376
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:31,178
It brought out the ugliness
that was kind of already there.

377
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:33,280
(SIZZLING)

378
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,683
There!
I killed it because it hurt you.

379
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:40,587
I swear I didn't mean it.
You have to believe me.

380
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,455
It's fine, Max.

381
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,926
I feel like
I'm gonna throw up.

382
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:55,902
There. I French-fried my phone.
What else can I do?

383
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:58,605
I mean, really,
it is technology's fault.

384
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,240
It's turning us
against each other.

385
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:03,843
Caroline, I swear,
I will never accidentally say

386
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,079
anything about you again
that I never meant.

387
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,816
I have to get ready for work.
It's fine.

388
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:13,186
Stop saying that.
Please stop saying it's fine.

389
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,754
"Fine" doesn't mean fine.

390
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:17,224
The scale goes great, good, okay,

391
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,359
not okay, I hate you, fine.

392
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,160
If "fine" meant fine,
that'd be great,

393
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,462
but it doesn't, okay?

394
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:25,097
You're right. It's not fine.
It sucks. I'm hurt.

395
00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:26,633
You're the one person
I care most about.

396
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:29,536
No, you are the one person
I care the most about.

397
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,904
Well, right now
it doesn't feel that way.

398
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:34,541
It has to feel that way!
You are my best friend, Caroline!

399
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,075
I love you.

400
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:49,155
Oh, my God, now I'm
really gonna throw up.

401
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,525
Max, is that the first time
you said "I love you?"

402
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:56,696
Don't look at me.
I'm embarrassed.

403
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,998
Now what do we do?

404
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:01,301
So you're not sick of me?

405
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:05,238
You are the only person
in the entire world I am not sick of.

406
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,774
Caroline...

407
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,944
There's a woman here who said
she paid to slap you.

408
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:13,246
If I had known it was an option,

409
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,782
I would have thrown my name
into that hat.

410
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:22,021
Well, time to put this on.
That's my 500 dollar pledge.

411
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:23,723
-I'll go.
-What?

412
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,625
I'll take it. I deserve it.

413
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,261
You've already gotten
a slap in the face from me.

414
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,929
But she's expecting to see me.

415
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:33,700
No, she's expecting to see a clueless
woman wearing a paper bag.

416
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:35,668
Even though I wasn't planning
on becoming that woman

417
00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:38,271
for another 20, 25 years,
I owe you.

418
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:46,078
Seriously?
You're not gonna stop me?

419
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,148
Nope.

420
00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:53,185
And, Max... I love you too.

421
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,523
I'm so sick of you.

422
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,327
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

423
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,620
(English US - SDH)